Psychoanomaly

It definitely sucks balls when you try so hard to make yourself happy at all costs, or think about other people that could potentially make you happy for the meantime, and you fail miserably at the end of the day. It’s so fucking challenging when I relapse, because I know for a fact that I still love the person with all my heart, and no matter what I do, I still don’t want to give up. This was the only time that a person I loved let me fight for what we had; the others before him were quick to fuck me over and leave me for dead.

Sometimes I wish we never met. Or that I could’ve just came at the right time. Because nobody knows how hard it is to feel that I came at the wrong time and everything I felt in our relationship was right. And sometimes I wish you feel that, too, even just a tad bit.

October sure did go by fast, but as it neared its end, it abruptly went slow-mo. Or maybe my life clock is lagging.

Forget. Just try and forget it, Bee. You’ve already lost the battle a few months ago. What makes you think you can win it now?

No matter how many times people tell me “Such a long time is irrelevant,” it still won’t cut it. Why am I still in denial that this thing, this so-called “love” between us is actually there? I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to force things to happen any longer. I don’t want to be the fool who gets lied to every single day by every single guy. I’ve just grown tired and weak, and I’ve given up. This agony isn’t something a normal human can handle.

Four years of on-again, off-again friendship. We only lasted that long because we live in the same avenue, and it was easy for you to make lots of fun memories with me. I’m going away in a few days, and I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to kick it like we used to before I move. Because you still got that weird hold on me that makes me hold back from you sometimes, from preventing me to step over the line of our platonic friendship. And for the love of all things good and evil, I will really miss you. I miss you now but I will miss you, too.

I will always remember you with The Smiths’ There is a Light That Never Goes Out.

1. Fujifilm Instax Mini 7 (since Mars, my Konica-JP1 toy camera will be off to another country soon, and I need another easy film camera to play with, hehe)

2. Fish-eye filter for my DSLR, Jimi

3. Toshiba 500GB external hard drive (Mom, please. Just buy me one, or else this PC is going to crash)

4. Combat boots (forever want until I get a pair)

5. A new tattoo for Christmas after I get my first one this November

6. Vans Authentic Lo Pro in Leopard (forever want until I get a pair)

7. Doc Martens 1460 8 Eye Victorian Flowers (forever want until I get a pair)

8. Purple tips (I’ve been planning on this since last summer but I’m always hesitant about it)

9. Knit sweater (It’s cold during December, okay?)

10. Roadster bike (since we have one in our new house, I wouldn’t need this for Christmas)

My mom and I will be moving permanently to the big QC this Friday, and while I’m a tad bit excited, I know I’m going to get homesick because I’ve been a Boni girl since I was an infant. Most of the people I care about are here in Boni. It’s such an easy place to be in since everywhere is just nearby. And I’ve always loved the noise of EDSA, the filth and grit, the intensity of the cars and jeepneys, and I won’t get to wake up to those sounds anymore. I’m only gonna move to another city but it’s still a big fucking deal to me. 

Also, school resumes in a few weeks, which means I really have to work on my fucking thesis, which I haven’t had any progress as of late. And you know what? I’m not even doing anything about it. Yea, that’d be my fault and I really shouldn’t complain. I just don’t have my mojo back yet.

Then, I’m gonna get my skin finally deflowered soon. I’m kind of excited about that, though thinking about it is making my palms sweat ‘cause I have an intense fear of sharp objects. Hopefully, I don’t cry.

Lastly, the love of my life will be leaving for Singapore soon. I don’t know when and I don’t know for how long, but I’m going to miss him so much. I honestly don’t know what to feel about this because we’ve been through a lot for the past few months, and I know deep down in my heart that the issues aren’t completely resolved yet, and I’m trying to take my time to ponder about stuff. And with him leaving soon means that time is ticking, and I badly wish that everything would just get better before he leaves, because I don’t want to be left alone with a heavy weight in my chest. I’m not quite ready yet for him to leave, and I wish I could make him stay, but I want him to do what he thinks is best for him. I just.. don’t want to be left alone in a quiet suburban village yet, away from my friends, away from home, away from him.

Well, at least it’s still October. At least.

Words of advice from a friend:

We won’t know what good there is for us if we don’t acknowledge the things we do wrong.

I’m tired. I give up doing things my way. I’m not going to expect anything from anyone anymore. It’s time that people reach out to me instead of the other way around. I’m tired of moving. I’m tired of dealing with the same shit everyday. People are just people anyway. Trying to seem oblivious doesn’t work. It’s time that I really lie low in everything for a while. Focus on whatever. I don’t know. All this uncertainty in every aspect of my life is trying to fuck with my sanity. And I’m too tired to deal with it on my own.

I know a bunch of phonies in my world and it seriously pisses me off how they could manage to be two-faced and not even feel like they’re more brain-damaged than I am. Some of these are my so-called “friends” and that’s what pisses me off even more. I know I’m not the perfect friend nor the perfect stranger, and whatever they do or say isn’t my business, but c’mon. Stop being pretentious or fake just to prove the world how truly awesome or “badass” you are. It’s kind of annoying and it’s bothering other people. I usually don’t care about other people’s flaws but I am too fucking pissed at such hollow people right now that I can’t even comprehend how they could possibly get away with it. And I know that I’m a backstabber, a loner, a sap, and all the negative things that you could come up with. I’m perfectly flawed and I submit to this admission. But all these phonies. Oh my god. Take a good look in the mirror. Take a look at all your accounts in every social network you have. Take a look at your fucking wardrobe. Take a look at your photos in your camera. Take a good fucking look at your fucking self. Don’t pretend like you’re above anyone else, you fucking phonies.

Quarterlife crisis.

Sounds like a bunch of bollocks, if you ask me, but this is the state I’m currently in right now. With graduation just a few months away, how could I possibly move on with my thesis? I have tons of workload to do yet I slack off like a lazy bum. My excuse? I’m on fucking semester break. I have to do interviews, complete my survey, take A LOT of photos, do paper works, layout my product, and I have to do this as soon as fucking possible because I am just one semester away from graduating.

Yes, I’m agitated in the worst possible way. The thought of working for some company either here or somewhere overseas is scaring the shit out of me. I’m not ready for this, not even a little bit. I’m only turning 20 in January for fuck’s sake.

I’m not sure if I’m completely okay with everything or I’m just repressing my feelings. I don’t want to surprise myself one day with overwhelming feelings of angst.

I’ve thought about this a lot. You know how we, human beings, dwell on our problems a fucking lot and we think that we should be above it all and all the bullshit? I thought, why the hell would we even think that we’re the slightest bit of significant in this world while we’re just tiny microorganisms in this massive universe? Think about it. Should we really start thinking how we should always take things seriously? Death is imminent and a part of nature, but why do some people succumb to the fear of ceasing to exist? Succumbing to the fear of loss, rejection, pain, suffering, and other trivial phobias? Why the hell would we succumb to our emotions, and why do we think its sufficient enough for living? Nothing is sufficient nor eternal, not in our universe at least. We are all insignificant beings. Existence is just a part of human nature. There is no such thing as heaven and hell. Our lives have no fucking purpose. There is no good and evil. No god and devil. Things just are; they’re not here to fucking please any of us. And I am just deeply afraid that my existence is just a big fucking joke to the universe.