June 2011
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Silence is golden. Honesty is the best policy. If I talked, would I get what I had opened my mouth for? If I keep it all in, would I get what I had shut my mouth for?
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Sanctuary
These days, I have digressed from the norm I’m used to. I look outside my window and the sky is crying yet again. Good, long sleeps haven’t been an option the past few days because thoughts have been giving birth to thoughts every second. I ask myself too many questions as to why I’ve become this way again - neurotic, grim, unreasonable. Or maybe my uterus is about to blow out...
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Not that it’s totally serious, but it just didn’t go well with my mood right now. He asked me if I loved him despite some petty shit and why I tend to ignore his professions of love. It came out as insulting for me. If I didn’t love him, then what the fuck have I been doing all this time? Sure, I have a temper of a bear 99% of the time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I...
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You were alive to prevent my eyes from surprise
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LOTD
There’s just 5 hours left until you find me dead
There’s just 4 hours left until you find me dead
There’s just 3 hours left until you find me dead
There’s just 2 hours left until you find me dead
There’s 1 more hour and then you will find me dead
There’s just ——————————————
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Well, I’m kind of disappointed in you. It’s so sad seeing you pretend like that or maybe you’re just pretending when you talk to me.
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Mors ultima linea rerum est
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For practical reasons, I need the ff:
Nikkor 12-24mm wide lens (2nd hand is alright)
Nokia C3/X2-01/BlackBerry Bold 9780
Fisheye filter
Raket
New lingerie
Planner
Motivation to start my thesis
Cigarettes (for stress, etc.)
External hard drive
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Rainy season makes my hormones rage to the extent that I can no longer control it. Oh, but you know, it sucks when SMS communication isn’t available since both of you don’t have credits, and that’s the only way possible to make your intentions known to the other person. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.
“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge...”
– Kurt Vonnegut
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Home
I find it really bittersweet that the rooftop of our condo, the place where I spent the better part of my teenage years in, is being renovated along with the whole 8th floor of this building. And in a few months, my mother and I will be moving our asses to Quezon City. I know it’s not like we’re moving to another country, but I spent almost half of my life here, in this very condo....
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Before I turned 19, I’ve had suicidal thoughts one too many. I’m not proud of saying this because it makes me feel like a wretched kid. I’m prone to depression; a tense situation could trigger aggravation in me. Most of the time, it makes me feel hopeless.
Yes, I’ve thought of killing myself a few times. Jumping from our big-ass window, overdosing on pills or cutting...
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Took some balls for me to say this but I apologize.
Impulse is my enemy. I admit I pussy out when I know I’m wrong. I won’t be saying that what I did was right but at that moment, I felt some powerful emotion surging through my veins. With my capable fingers, I typed all that needed to be liberated. We all do it. I’m human with crazy emotions at worst. Other people are human,...
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Why do these things help calm me down? I have to stop taking these to calm down. I don’t want to grow old and look for a doctor to prescribe me shit for my own destruction. No, just no.
Nice. I’m backing off.
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Something from my blogspot that I forgot to update
It’s a 30-day opinion challenge. I won’t be tagging this and the rest of it as a challenge since it’ll be too corny to be taken seriously. Anyway here is where I left off.
Religion is something I’d rather not attack. I’m a Catholic on paper but I don’t practice it anymore. Personally, I don’t want to take part in any religion I know because I just want to...
““Daddy?”
“Yes, son?”
“What does regret...”
– Sweet Loaf - Butthole Surfers
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Father's Day is always so awkward for me
Because I’ve always known my mother to be my only parent
My stepdad only decided to become my father figure just when he almost lost my mother to annulment 3 years ago
Because of 1 & 2, I lack the sincerity when I greet other people’s fathers a Happy Father’s Day.
I can’t take it when I see father-daughter moments on TV. I see myself cry - or lack of emotion,...
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the...”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
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June nightmare #5
I had a rather horrid nightmare this morning.
A few details are quite vague now, but I remember going to a friend’s provincial-like home. I was greeted by her great uncle who was guarding the house. I asked for my friend and he told me to wait a while outside with him. He was carving a wooden piece using a paring knife, if I remember correctly. The old man was quite odd. I looked down a...
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I want to:
Consume shrooms and smoke salvia
Get an In Utero tattoo on my left forearm
Bungee jump from a bridge and then dive right in a lake
Photo walk in Morocco
Punch and bite someone until they bleed
Get pissed-drunk without having to vomit for once
Swim with sharks
Own an albino python and name it Voodoo
Not rant for a day
Eat food at any time of the day without shitting myself with “I...
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Banal living is shit
I’m getting bored with almost everything.
School’s been okay. Nothing much to do except wait for a class to end to see other former blockmates. Home is okay. Everyone’s stressing about moving while they point out things I do wrong, per usual. People, in general, have been okay. Not that they bore me to death but some of them do nothing quite significant and I just feel...
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Being a girl, I could get very talkative or I have too much to share. I like being able to have decent/nice/heated conversations with people. I like getting to know someone on a deeper level, vice versa. I dislike it when people are too quiet, like they don’t have anything to say about anything at all. It frustrates me so much when I can’t get a person talking. I admit that I’m...
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daulism:
i need to learn how to stop destroying myself stop being hard on myself and be nice to myself
i need to keep telling myself that i need to keep wanting something something nice something warm more than just a fur coat because i can make other people happy i can understand other people’s pain because i can love even after all that is left of me is gone because i have that strength.
...
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There are shit I’d rather forget about but I can’t. Or shit that I’m not supposed to care about but I can’t help it if I disobey my own rules and just fuck it.
Things you can’t really erase. Sometimes they become too annoying to think about. I laugh at most of it because I know it’s not even the slightest bit funny. Defense mechanism, perhaps. People...
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I really need to sleep longer and cut down on the cancer sticks.
But I can’t fucking help it.
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I miss my friends.
It’s the start of the second week of the school year and I already feel too tired to get up. I don’t miss summer all because I don’t want to ask my mom to give me some cash. Even now, I can’t ask my mom for extra cash because, well, we’re in some sort of middle-class poverty. I miss my friends because some of them are no longer in my current...
“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your...”
– Henry Rollins
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Blogspot was cool, but I keep getting a notion that I post too much in a day over there. I feel it’s much better here. And I like posting a fucking lot. Tumblr will be my whore.
